It’s my personal belief that God gets a good laugh when we start making plans here on Earth. I’m the type of person that likes to prepare and be organized, so I picture him giggling every time he throws a curveball my way. I firmly believe now that these curveballs are always meant to put me back in my place, and by golly have they worked. While some have been painful, they have also led me along important paths that I would have never journeyed otherwise. 

If you know me or have followed me on Instagram for a while, you may already be aware that I have had a rough go when it came to growing my family. After a relatively easy pregnancy, I welcomed my daughter, Gwen, in 2017 with no real issues along the way. But when my husband and I decided to give her a sibling, the journey was anything but easy. Over the course of two years I experienced a number of miscarriages. They were painful and (temporarily) robbed me of joy and hope for my future. At the same time, for me they were life-changing…in a good way. 

My family and friends have encouraged me to share my experience in order to help others who may be facing similar fertility challenges. I’ve always been hesitant to do so because fertility journeys can differ drastically from person to person. It’s a touchy and uncomfortable subject, but I think it is finally time to share, just in case there is anyone out there who may benefit from my learnings. 

If you are struggling or have faced fertility issues, my heart goes out to you. Please keep in mind that I am a woman of faith. If you are not, my takeaways may seem preposterous to you, but this is just my experience. I will share it exactly as I see it, and as I have interpreted its lessons along the way. It all began back in October 2019.

October 2019

After Gwen was born in 2017, I was immediately ready for baby #2. Becoming a mother gave me purpose I didn’t realize I had been missing, and I couldn’t wait to give Gwen a sibling. I pictured them being close in age so they could play together, attend school together, and relate to one other. My husband, Alex, on the other hand, was more practical. He was (rightly) concerned with our expenses because daycare is expensive. So we waited before trying to add to the family. Then in the Fall of 2019, shortly before Gwen’s second birthday, we decided the time was finally right and we began trying to expand our family.

December 2019

It happened almost immediately. After just one month of trying to get pregnant, we were ecstatic to discover we were expecting. We got a positive pregnancy test just a few days before Christmas. What a wonderful gift, I was so thankful! This pregnancy, however, was starting much differently than the one I had with Gwen. The primary difference was that I was experiencing light spotting. I called my OB and expressed my concerns, and was told that spotting can be normal from some women and I shouldn’t worry about it…so I didn’t. I carried on, excitedly planning what my child’s nursery would look like and pondering if they were going to be a boy or girl. I couldn’t wait for the pregnancy to progress and for Gwen to become a big sister.

January 2020

My first real doctor appointment! Alex and I were both excited to meet with my OB to talk about what this pregnancy would look like, and get an ultrasound to determine the baby’s due date. I couldn’t wait to see my little jelly bean-sized baby on the sonogram screen and hear its heartbeat. As soon as the ultrasound began, I knew something was off. The technician was quiet. She told us the baby had a heartbeat, but it was very weak. My OB told us the pregnancy wasn’t looking healthy and I should prepare for a miscarriage. I underwent a beta test that showed I had low progesterone levels and my HcG levels were dropping. Two weeks later, we lost the baby.

February 2020

One week after the miscarriage I had a newborn photo session. Mentally, I was not prepared. The family was rightfully overjoyed with their precious baby boy. I successfully fought back tears throughout the entire session, but once I got to my car I couldn’t hold it in. I bawled for what felt like an hour. As I drove home, I couldn’t stop thinking about my lost little one, and whether or not I would be able to have another baby.

April 2020

After ensuring the pregnancy had fully cleared, my OB reassured me that the loss was probably “just a fluke” and she encouraged us to try again. So we did and we were elated to discover we were pregnant again in April 2020. It had happened so easily and we had so much hope for our little blessing! My OB ordered another beta but much to our dismay, we found more low progesterone and dropping HcG levels. We lost this baby at 7 weeks.

May 2020 

Typically when a person experiences multiple miscarriages, obstetricians tend to wait until at least 3 losses before they recommend fertility testing. Fortunately my OB took pity on me and she referred me to a specialist after my second loss. The process was long, expensive, and fruitless. After a number of blood tests, a saline ultrasound, and genetic testing, my fertility specialist diagnosed me with “unexplained secondary infertility.” This basically meant they didn’t know what was causing my losses, and they didn’t really have any recommendations for how to proceed. I was told to “just keep trying and hope for the best.” The “diagnosis” brought no comfort but we did what we were told. We tried again and hoped for the best. 

October 2020

We became pregnant again in October 2020. I was put on progesterone pills and thrown into another beta. This time I received a call from the nurse at my OB’s office and she had good news: my levels were rising! I was ecstatic! We were cautiously optimistic but this was the first time we’d received good news from the doctor. We were full of hope and convinced that our third time would be the charm! But then the all-too-familiar spotting started. I called my doctor to see if I could get some answers and they threw us a curveball. After “re-assessing my beta results,” the nurse confessed that she had overlooked one very important detail: while my progesterone levels had been rising, my HcG was falling and yet another miscarriage was on the way. We lost our third baby at 6 weeks.

While all losses were painful, this one stung the most. I was angry. Angry at my body for failing me, at my OB for giving me false hope, and at God for putting me through the ringer. If the pregnancy wasn’t going to last, why tease me with it? Why was God doing this to ME? What had I done wrong, and what purpose did these losses serve? It would take me a while longer to understand God’s plan, but at this point in time I was mad at the world.

On Halloween Day 2020, just three weeks after my loss, I held what would be my last newborn photo session before I put Cecelia Paige Photography on pause. Thinking I was certainly jaded from my experience, I erroneously assumed I would be okay. But seeing the adorable baby and thinking I really might never have another, I left the session and knew I had to take a break for my own mental health.

November 2020

After the nurse’s “oversight,” I decided to leave my OB’s practice behind, but not before having one last conversation with her. Much to my surprise, she made a recommendation that both caught me off guard, and ended up being the best piece of advice a doctor has ever given me. She asked me if I had ever considered trying acupuncture. Unbeknownst to me at the time, acupuncture is a treatment that is commonly recommended for women who are undergoing IVF as it can improve odds of conception. While the idea is controversial, I was willing to give anything a try. My search for a reputable acupuncturist began.

January 2021

After hours of research, I booked my first acupuncture session with Fabiola Medeiros at Thrive Acupuncture and Wellness. I was terrified before my first session because the thought of purposely pricking myself with needles felt extreme. But Fabiola, with years of experience helping women in my exact situation, calmly explained her protocol and answered all of my questions. Under her expert guidance, my journey would also include a detox diet and use of various Chinese herbs. After putting my heart at ease, I had my first acupuncture session. Fully expecting it to hurt, I was blown away when I discovered that acupuncture 1) doesn’t hurt at all, and 2) it left me feeling a sense of relief and hope that I hadn’t felt in over a year. Fabiola recommended I give acupuncture at least 3 months to help even out my hormones before trying to conceive. I was in no rush and I dove headfirst into the journey.

February 2021

My month-long detox diet was a challenge at first – very restrictive and also included the use of a number of antioxidant powders and supplements. But by the end of it, I felt stronger than I had in a very long time. I had more energy, my brain felt sharper, I felt less anxious, I was sleeping better, my skin was clear for the first time in a VERY long time, and long-standing digestive/bloating issues that I had always just considered “normal” seemingly disappeared overnight. While the detox diet felt extreme, when it came to an end I felt a sense of accomplishment. I knew that as I proceeded, I COULD handle major lifestyle changes that would benefit the health of my family and I. I knew I needed to take baby steps though, otherwise I would burn myself out. As we ate through the remaining food in our pantry, I began to make food swaps when I went to the grocery, concentrating on making meals consisting of whole foods. When shopping, I became more cognizant of the ingredients in the food I was buying. If it had artificial flavors/sugars, ingredients I couldn’t pronounce, or if it contained “natural flavors” (aka a vague, undisclosed flavoring ingredient that could be made of any number of things), I would leave it on the shelf. I’m certainly not perfect with my food but my goodness have I come far. As I continued to work on our diets, I also began to explore replacing cleaning and household products with clean alternatives – shampoo, conditioner, body wash, hand soap, laundry detergent, etc. I began to feel like I was reclaiming control over aspects of my life that I had never realized had been hijacked by Big Food and Pharma. Throw in a regular exercise routine, and I felt like there wasn’t anything I couldn’t achieve.

March 2021

With acupuncture going well, I decided to explore one more avenue of holistic healthcare. In March 2021, I began to supplement my lifestyle changes with regular chiropractic care. I had been to a chiropractor before so I wasn’t expecting anything wild – perhaps less back and neck pain. However, my new chiropractor – Catie Cortner at Arise Family Chiropractic – listened to my concerns, and presented me with a solid plan of action. Just like my acupuncturist, Catie also specializes in working with women who are trying to conceive or are pregnant. Her regimen consisted of traction, easy daily exercises, and weekly adjustments. I also give Catie and her team lots of credit with helping me grow my family.

April 2021 

After 3 months of acupuncture, we resumed trying to grow our family. Early April I had yet another positive pregnancy test, but that little blue line was faint. While I know I was expecting, I kept this one secret and decided to forgo the poking and prodding of yet another beta. I just wanted to see what would happen, and within two weeks that little blue line on the pregnancy test disappeared entirely. While the loss was disappointing, it was one of the least traumatic of the bunch. Perhaps because no one knew about it, or because I was in a new headspace. I’m not entirely sure.

June 2021

For the next several months Alex and I tried to grow our family. In June 2021 we were finally successful…at least for a few weeks. We experienced our fifth and fortunately last pregnancy loss. This one stung considerably because I thought I had been doing everything right. I was eating better than ever, exercising, partaking in acupuncture and chiropractic care, but this pregnancy just wasn’t meant to be. Through a considerable amount of prayer and meditation, I came to the conclusion that this pregnancy wasn’t a part of God’s plan, and I had to be okay with that. 

September 2021

Success. Toward the middle of September we discovered we were expecting. For some reason this pregnancy just felt different. There had been no spotting and I just felt in my soul that everything was going to be alright. I had found a new OB and with him I felt at peace. He listened to me and it felt like he had my very best interest at heart. 

My doctor ordered an ultrasound at 8 weeks to make sure the pregnancy looked viable. Ultrasounds are SO exciting before pregnancy losses…but after miscarriage, they are stressful and terrifying. Will this baby have a heartbeat? Or will I lose another precious soul? As I drove to the doctor’s office for my first sonogram, my thoughts racing a hundred miles a minute, I said a prayer and asked God to help give me peace and acceptance no matter what results we were about to receive. Seconds later, God spoke to me and the song ‘Kick Drum Heart’ by the Avett Brothers came on. I know it was his way of telling me that everything was going to be okay. And it was. 

My pregnancy with Archer flew by. Throughout the entire experience I continued my acupuncture and chiropractic care, as well as my diet and lifestyle changes. Archer graced us with his presence in May 2022 and filled our hearts with so much more love than we were even expecting. How is it possible to love something so small and new so collar-pickin’ much?

Though it felt painful and unfair at times, at the end of the day my struggles with fertility were not all for nothing. They helped guide me back to the Lord. I hadn’t realized how lost I had been until I was in the thick of it. I will always wonder what life would have been like if any of my lost babies had made it Earthside. At the same time, I will always be thankful for them because without them, Archer wouldn’t be here. Everything worked out just as it was meant to be.

If you have any questions about my journey, or want to talk and/or vent about any struggles you may be facing, I am here for you! Reach out to me via DM on Instagram. And please know I am always cheering for you!

Wishing you all the best.

xoxo,

Cecelia